Thursday, April 24

she loves

she loves
(jowls lift &
smile);
gray messy-clean
listening eyes
and Tiffany's scarves

4 comments:

woodward hazard said...

Tiffany's scarves, brilliant touch

gishi bian said...

i loved this poem. but i disliked the punctuation
would be better as follows

she loves
jowls lift
smile
gray messy clean
listening eyes
tiffany's scarves

punctuation is a crutch
unless it has some visual effect
the words of this poem are powerful
and fun
"listening eyes"
in particular peaked my interest
stopped me for a moment
i love it when two words together
are never seen together
brings the reader into a different
visual
emotional
even difficult place
challenges one to pause
the possessive
on "Tiffany's scarves"
begs the reader to wonder
who is tiffany
i also have an aversion to
capital letters
it's a distraction to the flow
but on the whole with changes
mentioned above
this is an excellent poem
i'd really like to know who
tiffany is
and what it is about her scarves
that prompted a memorable
mention in this poem

Robert Payne said...

This poem is abouy Christmas. While you do not write narrative poetry, and you like to let the reader come to their own conclusion, I want (for the most part) the reader to know what I want them to know. The jowls lifting a smiling is a sidebar comment, hence the parenthesis, and I used the semicolon because I wanted to make it clear that the object of her love is NOT gray messing clean listening eyes. She loves is just it's own statement and the the hair and her eyes are just description. Tiffany is from Tiffany & Company. A gift grandma got last Christmas. And the scarf part refers to her wearing a scarf that day.

gishi bian said...

try this:

she loves

(jowls lift and
smile)

gray messy-clean
(listening eyes)

tiffany scarves


end

listening eyes is a great line
this version moves things around
takes some capitalization
and some punctuation out
and highlights (listening eyes)
-gishi