De vivemus vivamus
Tiffany's scarves, brilliant touch
i loved this poem. but i disliked the punctuationwould be better as followsshe lovesjowls liftsmilegray messy cleanlistening eyestiffany's scarvespunctuation is a crutchunless it has some visual effectthe words of this poem are powerfuland fun"listening eyes"in particular peaked my intereststopped me for a momenti love it when two words togetherare never seen togetherbrings the reader into a differentvisualemotionaleven difficult placechallenges one to pausethe possessiveon "Tiffany's scarves"begs the reader to wonderwho is tiffanyi also have an aversion tocapital lettersit's a distraction to the flowbut on the whole with changesmentioned abovethis is an excellent poemi'd really like to know whotiffany isand what it is about her scarvesthat prompted a memorablemention in this poem
This poem is abouy Christmas. While you do not write narrative poetry, and you like to let the reader come to their own conclusion, I want (for the most part) the reader to know what I want them to know. The jowls lifting a smiling is a sidebar comment, hence the parenthesis, and I used the semicolon because I wanted to make it clear that the object of her love is NOT gray messing clean listening eyes. She loves is just it's own statement and the the hair and her eyes are just description. Tiffany is from Tiffany & Company. A gift grandma got last Christmas. And the scarf part refers to her wearing a scarf that day.
try this:she loves(jowls lift and smile)gray messy-clean (listening eyes)tiffany scarvesendlistening eyes is a great linethis version moves things aroundtakes some capitalizationand some punctuation outand highlights (listening eyes)-gishi
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